The Power of Listening

You don’t need to fix, you just need to be alongside.

Over the last 3 years I have been to numerous conferences that focus on mental health and wellbeing in schools. I have heard many young people speak about their experiences of mental ill health and one theme I hear time and time again is that all it took for that young person to start their road to recovery was a teacher that listened. Nothing more, just listened.
How hard can that be? Actually it turns out it is extremely hard. When someone tells us they are struggling our empathy drive kicks in and we want to help them so although we hear what they are saying we don’t truly listen. The alternative is that we are so scared we will say the wrong thing and make it worse that we don’t listen at all and we ignore them or tell them not to be so daft (or words to that effect).

What is the right way to respond to a young person who wants to confide in you?

Rule 1 (and you know this already)

Never promise to keep things confidential, by all means discuss who you will need to speak to with the student, but you may need to tell someone – if you are unsure about who this might be in your school speak to your safeguarding lead.

Rule 2

Find the time – you are really busy and students don’t always time their moment very well. If you only have 2 minutes and they clearly need more than that ask them to come back at a time that works for both of you, explain that you can see they are ‘upset’/’concerned’ etc. and that you want to give them your full attention and set a time and place. Remember it may well have taken them a huge amount of courage to speak to you in the first place.

Rule 3

Actively listen – listening is a skill, when you are listening you need to give the student your full attention, keep eye contact, be aware of your body language, don’t get distracted by other tasks, only speak to clarify what the student has said or reflect back what you have heard.

Rule 4

The Don’ts:

• Don’t try to fix, this is not your job;
• Don’t give examples of when you felt the same (this is about them, not you);
• Don’t think about what you are going to say next;
• Don’t dismiss their feelings as ‘a phase’ or ‘unimportant’ or ‘overreaction’ etc.;
• Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing.

Rule 5

Asking tough questions – if they are talking about self-harm or suicidal thoughts do not be afraid to ask questions like ‘do you think about taking your own life’; ‘have you planned how you would take your own life’. Research does show that these questions will not encourage suicide or make things worse, instead it helps you to understand the gravity of the situation so you can take appropriate action.

What to do next?

When you have listened, reflect back to the student what you heard – ‘I hear you are feeling quite low and are struggling to come to school…’ and ask for clarification on anything or ask the student to elaborate. All they want is to tell someone how they feel and for that person to take them seriously.

When you join any school there will be referral and safeguarding procedures of which you should be aware. You should also be aware of what options are available in the school or know who to ask about these options. You next job is to discuss what the next steps might be:

• Who else they could/should talk to;
• Who they would like you to speak to and who you will have to speak to (you will have to talk to the safeguarding lead, they may want you to talk to other teachers, their tutor or head of year and possibly parents);
• Point them in the direction of school services such as the counsellor.

Practice makes perfect

As I have said active listening takes practice so try this (you will need to rope in a friend, but it is quite a fun activity). Ask your friend to tell you a story about when they have to overcome a challenge in their life. Set a timer for 3 minutes and then get listening – you may nod, give the odd ‘umm’ or ‘aha’ or ask them to clarify something, that is it. At the end of the 3 minutes reflect back 3 strengths that you heard – maybe they were brave, creative and optimistic. You can try this with colleagues, family and friends, but you will probably need to do it regularly.

The other thing to cognitively rehearse (i.e. think about how you would do it) is asking those tough questions. So imagine you are with a student and they start talking about self harm, imagine asking them directly ‘Have you harmed yourself’ or ‘have you thought about suicide’. You might even want to role play it with someone. It sounds a little ridiculous but it is really important because in high stress situations (and I think this would count) things that we have practiced – even if only in our head – are easier than things we haven’t even thought about.

Just remember that a student who opens up to you is showing courage and trust, all you need to do is respect that trust and listen with care.